Technical Update

So, I have not really been on here in a bit of time.

The challenge of trying to keep two blogs updated proved to be more technology than I could handle! :)

I have, however, been maintaining my other blog (a combination of the poetry you see here, plus new poetry, and some journaling about this fun health adventure with cancer, a girlfriend, five children, three dogs, and a cat who is obsessed with my breasts).

I invite you to please check it out at http://bellesmots2000.com.

Blessings to all...

Anger is her weapon
and violence her love
emotions wielded
mace-like
over those surrounding

A castle
no one
would ever lay siege to

No treasure beneath the
surfaces to entice
not even a Siren song
to draw them in...

She is a vortex
a one woman
maelstrom
and you would do well
to keep
a distance

It is not choice
that will pull you under
nor desire
that will rend you apart
but proximity
that will lay waste
to the landscapes
of your heart

The singer once said
that love would have to be spoken
in a song
love I can speak
I can sing
I can give
and feel in every language
but the enmity --
that is the unspeakable
and unspoken
for the judgment
that comes without
understanding:
of my identity
of my personality
even of words
until the basic sting of my nature
brings itself
front and center
so those natural
enemies
cannot survive it

Strange analogy...

I suppose I am not feeling particularly "poetic" this week. :)
But this did seem the appropriate blog for my bizarre point of view.

This week my doctor informed me that I have cancer. I'm sure some of my reactions are well within the normal scope, but my main reaction is just flat out weird and silly.

Hopefully you all remember the movie "Alien," otherwise it will just make no sense:

I feel like I have one of those itty bitty tiny aliens residing in my body, ready to just tear the hell out of things (in this case, my peace of mind and a bit of my health). Of course, I don't really think the cancer is going to run around getting huge and slaughtering those around me until Sigourney Weaver can show up and save the day, so it's really only half of an analogy I suppose. But I still feel invaded...

With that feeling comes nervousness, sudden calm, temper, a desire to say "WTF?! Cancer?!" a lot, and some really sick humor (no pun intended). Hey, it may not be funny, but if I don't laugh I think I could lose my mind.

So, anyway to turn "Alien" into a poem? Hmmmmm... I guess that will be next on the agenda.

Sleepless restless
questions roll
through a mind
that will not be still
and solutions
seem to be far off
and fail
chamomile and yoga
finding zen
and no solace
bludgeoning pillows
without relief
is it meaningful
is the bed just too big
am I finally
pushing over an edge
I thought I had reached long ago
silence
and sickness
and the fear that accompany
as I try to breathe
and ignore
those images
that dance across my eyelids
no rest, no rest
until I roam the house
cook up a storm
and wait for dawn

All that matters most...

As you know, I have been silent for quite sometime now... Technical difficulties, life difficulties, and just the general maelstrom of what I think of as day to day living. But, finally, the Gods of technology have smiled upon me and I am back. My blog silence (and twitter silence, and facebook silence) did not reflect the number of words and thoughts that have been spinning within me during my hiatus.
So, although I usually post a poem or brief thought, I figured I should go for some real vulnerability and exposure for a change.
I had the most amazing weekend just a few days ago. I had my best friend here with me from Arizona, my totally awesome PGF Becky with us the entire time. All three of us responsible mothers went and got tattoos together and then went dancing all night. Blowjob shots were consumed, the requisite 2:00 am breakfast at Denny's took place, and there was much joy and happiness all around.
Reality had to come crashing in of course. The weekend closed, and we found a lump in my breast. In all likelihood, it is nothing. Even the doc agrees it is probably nothing, just going through the gamut of tests as a matter of course. "Just in case..."
The funny thing is, my courage came back because of it. Don't get me wrong, stark fear and many tears were involved in this. But somehow, my focus returned along with that audacity and bravery I haven't connected with since my divorce several years ago. I had become mousy: not a natural role for me. Mind you, I have guts when it comes to my children. But I have been putting my wants and loves and dreams on the backburner forever. I guess I had the epiphany this week that pushing my dreams aside for years won't really benefit any of my small family in the least.
So, lest this poetry blog turn into nothing more than a diary I am opening to anyone, I will close with a brief thought...

So many dreams
begin with the road
and my feet
are planted here
in this place
and moment
planted
while all of me longs
to run
run
but not
to run away
for once
I am running to